Well.........
Its my birthday tomorrow. I should be looking foreward to it like any excited teenager. But I'm not. I just sit here with no feeling, no expression. Nothing. I guess that's just me. Or rather my ED/ possible depression talking.
I went out for a birthday meal with my family last night. I forced myself to sit through it and lose myself in the conversation. I get on really well with my family, so that came easy. Trouble was, I then ate more than I wanted to. Had ice cream at home as well. I didn't have the heart to purge it, because they paid for the meal and everything for me. Purging it kind of seemed like a betrayal of trust, or ungratefulness, or something like that. I went to bed feeling awful. Had 2 hours sleep.
Today, school was snowed off. That also meant I couldn't get to the gym. I had a fight with my mum over being allowed to go for a walk to the supermarket and back (2 miles). She won. I felt worse than ever. I ate a tiny sandwich at lunch. Felt hungry at 6pm, and ate chocolate. On a weekday. Big fat f*cking failure. I ate ice cream after dinner too.
I cried on my last birthday. Several times. I cried not because I didn't get what I wanted, or anything like that. I cried because I DID. People gave me all sorts of wonderful things. I didn't deserve them. Not one bit. I hated it, unwrapping what I had asked for, expensive things. I wish they hadn't spent their money on me. A fat, useless failure. I didn't understand. I still don't. So I cried and cried. I wished I was dead so people didn't have to care anymore.
I guess it will be the same this year.
I thought birthdays were supposed to be happy
Angel xx
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