Today

I feel quite christmassy today. We bought our tree yesterday and decorated it today. It looks so pretty, with all the lights showing on it and all the decorations. We can't put presents under the tree this year because of my puppy. She would shred the wrapping paper and then run off with the presents :) She's soooo cute!!!

Sorry for not posting in a while, life has been quite busy. My dancing has started back, which is good, but I have gained soo much weight during the 'snow days'. I then got flu last Sunday and have felt really bad since then. I felt worse on Thursday and Friday, I spent most of those days in bed, so I couldn't go to dancing or gymnastics. Not fair :( At least its not over Christmas.

Only 7 days to go!! I am actually quite excited, Christmas is a fun time of year, once you get past the eating. It will just be me, my mum, my dad and my brother on Xmas day, but we're seeing my mum's parents on the 23rd and 24th.

It's only 4 months until LA!!! For those of you who don't know, I'm going to a really important dance competition in LA in Easter 2011. I'm representing my country, which is quite cool :) The team has been getting ready, and rehersals are coming along well. I got a lot of money to buy stuff for LA for my birthday, and I ordered  loads last night. There are some really pretty leotards, legwarmers to match, and leggings etc. I can't wait for them to arrive!!!

Birthdays Should Be Happy

Well.........
Its my birthday tomorrow. I should be looking foreward to it like any excited teenager. But I'm not. I just sit here with no feeling, no expression. Nothing. I guess that's just me. Or rather my ED/ possible depression talking.

I went out for a birthday meal with my family last night. I forced myself to sit through it and lose myself in the conversation. I get on really well with my family, so that came easy. Trouble was, I then ate more than I wanted to. Had ice cream at home as well. I didn't have the heart to purge it, because they paid for the meal and everything for me. Purging it kind of seemed like a betrayal of trust, or ungratefulness, or something like that. I went to bed feeling awful. Had 2 hours sleep.

Today, school was snowed off. That also meant I couldn't get to the gym. I had a fight with my mum over being allowed to go for a walk to the supermarket and back (2 miles). She won. I felt worse than ever. I ate a tiny sandwich at lunch. Felt hungry at 6pm, and ate chocolate. On a weekday. Big fat f*cking failure. I ate ice cream after dinner too.

I cried on my last birthday. Several times. I cried not because I didn't get what I wanted, or anything like that. I cried because I DID. People gave me all sorts of wonderful things. I didn't deserve them. Not one bit. I hated it, unwrapping what I had asked for, expensive things. I wish they hadn't spent their money on me. A fat, useless failure. I didn't understand. I still don't. So I cried and cried. I wished I was dead so people didn't have to care anymore.

I guess it will be the same this year.

I thought birthdays were supposed to be happy
Angel xx

First Post, First Steps

Well, this is it, my first post.
I guess I want to use this blog as an outlet, a way to express my thoughts and feelings without forcing anyone to listen to me. I am anorexic, so I suppose this blog will also be partly about my struggle with anorexia and how it makes me feel. Please follow my blog, and comment if you would like me to follow yours.
That's all, I guess :D